know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
