Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm passing your future prison.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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