I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Even my vagina gasped.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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