I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
we made out on top of his cat.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
