dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
