no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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