I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
