I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
