Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
