11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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