You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize