i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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