I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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