Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
