I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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