there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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