i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
