dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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