Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
