life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
