so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
