Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
