i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
it's like iHOP with fire
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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