apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
