Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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