saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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