Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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