I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
