honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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