My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
