Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She told me I should be a condom model.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
