Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
