Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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