I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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