Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize