I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
