I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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