Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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