hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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