i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
