I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
