Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
