How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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