Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
