I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
it was like eating out sand paper
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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