I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
