Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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