I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
