just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize