i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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