Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
