end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
