I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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