just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I have tasted many bathrooms
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
