How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
