If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
