Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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