Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
