so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
