i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
