I think my vagina is haunted
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
